Steven Seagal: Lawman

Anyone that knows me knows that I can get pretty evangelical about certain TV shows.I will preach the gospels of The Wire and Mad Men, quote endlessly from The Thick Of It and praise the genius that is Nathan Barley. However, last night, a new show entered the pantheon: Steven Seagal: Lawman.

Let's ignore the fact that Seagal's claims to have been a cop for twenty years is, apparently, a pile of bollocks, and the fact that the show is indefinitely suspended after the sexual assault and trafficking suits were filed against him. We can forgive all that because of what he has given us in this show:

Fuck, yeah, Steve! Show those boys how to stage fight! Now, let's take a look at him on the shooting range...

Look, you get the idea: Seagal goes around with his squad constantly fawning over him, busting criminals and doling out increasingly patronising advice to his men and others in between, while the talking heads constantly remind you that Seagal is a movie star. The man himself is as pompous and as up his own arse as you'd expect, but I'll be damned if it isn't extremely entertaining for its sheer awfulness.

The scene in episode two where he visits a children's hospital and explains that he has to wear dark glasses to hide his true emotions from the kids and staff is just so jaw-droppingly patronising, but then, as if these poor fucking kids weren't suffering enough, he organises a benefit concert to raise funds for the hospital! Couldn't you have just done the right thing, Steve, and donated your own money so we didn't have to listen to you "sing"? And, of course, he invites his cop buddies who subsequently fawn over him and proclaim him the greatest musician since Mozart.

All that said, the show knows its audience and plays to them perfectly - it's audience being hardcore Seagal fans who think the guy walks on water, and the right wing, white middle classes of America. It's the latter that the show probably plays best to, though; every criminal they bust is a black guy, usually with drugs, whose voices they subtitle because it's hard to understand them non-white types. Every member of Seagal's squad is an overweight white guy, except for the token black guy (who's also overweight), who seems to fall over himself to praise Seagal at every moment, as if he was some kind of white god.

It is, without doubt, a very, very terrible show, but I'm damned if I'm not going to be tuning in again next week to see how much worse it can get.

As I've often said, there's nothing in the world that cannot be improved by adding Captain Kirk...

Broken Dreams

Don't think I've actually talked about this yet, but myself and Bryan Coyle are teaming up again for an upcoming Zarjaz strip called Broken Dreams, starring my favourite ABC Warrior:

The story was originally written for the Zarjaz ABC Warriors special due next year, the idea being that each creative team takes on an individual member of the ABC Warriors, past or present. Once the script for Broken Dreams was submitted, though, I was told that Hammerstein was off limits for the special because the Zarjaz lads had something pretty special planned for him (although what it is, they won't tell me). However, they liked the script enough to keep it for another issue, so it all worked out.

It's always a pleasure to work with Bryan; what he brings to the table creatively just amazes me every time, and makes me want to write more things for him to see him work his magic before he's whisked off to inevitable superstardom. And, no, he didn't pay me to say that. Well, not enough, anyway. Having been fortunate enough to see some of the work he did on his last Zarjaz strip, I can't begin to tell you how excited I am to see what he does with this.

ABC Warriors: Broken Dreams is due to see print in a future edition of Zarjaz. No idea on the issue number yet, though. In the meantime, make sure you stay up to do date will all the latest goings on at Zarjaz and Dogbreath by keeping an eye on the official blog, The Quaequam Blog.

More Death Troopers

My mate, George Fairlamb, has been busy again with more Death Trooper customs, but this time he has them sporting a more decomposed look...



I'll post more when and if I'm allowed.

Toy Wire

Concepts...

As anyone who's following me on Twitter (and I can't imagine there's many of you) may or may not know, myself and Valia Kapadai have had some brief discussions about putting together a full length comic project. I've already pieced together a very rough outline for a story, and Valia has done some rough character sketches based on that, one of which I thought I'd share with you:

We're still only talking about this project at the minute, and, considering what we both have on our respective slates, this may not appear for a while (if at all!), but looking at Valia's sketches, I can't wait to get stuck into it...

England vs USA - in LEGO!

In space, no one can hear you munching on brains...

Given the massive renaissance of zombies in popular culture, it was only a matter of time before they started to invade well established franchises:


Death Troopers is, basically, zombie stormtroopers, and I'm in no doubt it will sell by the bucket load.

However, my friend George Fairlamb was so inspired by this, he decided to make his own custom Death Trooper:



George assures me this is just a test piece and more are on the way. Personally, I can't wait to see the next one...

The trouble with footballs...

Original image by B3ta.com board memeber Captain Howdy

MY kind of World Cup...

Original image by B3ta.com board memeber LP

This is about as patriotic as I'll get for the World Cup...

...and that's only because this is both New Order and the best football song ever.

The Chosen Rules

Been doing some blog maintenance recently, and realised there's very little on here about Chosen, the OGN I'm doing for Accent UK. So, to rectify that, I thought I'd add it to the list of upcoming projects over on the right of the screen, and I thought I'd better write something more about it, too.

Here's the basic breakdown:

Assigned to investigate a strange anomaly around the sun, the Icarus IV loses contact with Earth. When communications are restored, most of the crew are dead or dying.

A year after the ill-fated mission returns home, the ship's first officer, Jeff Anderson, finds himself gradually picking through the pieces of his life. Recently divorced and unable to re-discover his place in the world, he resolves to find the remaining survivors and get to the bottom of what happened to them - even if it means exposing the terrifying secrets they've been hiding from the world...

As it stands, the script is around 50% complete, but it's been an interesting experience writing it, largely because I've been pushing myself out of my comfort zone and trying something different with the narrative - different for me, anyway; lots of better writers than me have used similar narrative techniques to great effect, so I'm doing nothing more than attempting to follow in their footsteps.

The idea was to make Chosen a more cinematic read, to try and conjure up the spirit of things like 2001: A Space Odyssey, but with a different kind of story, something more intimate and human. Whether this will work is another matter entirely, of course, but we shall see. That said, I've had some very positive reactions on the script so far from Accent UK and some friends who were good enough to read it, so I think I'm on the right track with it.

There is no artist on-board for Chosen yet. I've had a few offers - all of which were greatly appreciated - but I want to get the script finished and turned in before anything else. The guys at AUK have graciously agreed to make the final decision on the artist a joint one, but we're all on the same page as to the style of artist we're looking for to bring this to life.

As you can probably tell from the long line of pictures on the right hand side of your screen, I've got a pretty long working history with Accent UK; they're a great bunch of guys and a real pleasure to work with, so to actually get the chance to write a full length project for them, and flex some writing muscles, was too good an opportunity to pass up. Here's hoping that Chosen can live up to the quality of books they've churned out so far...

It would be remiss of me to not give my other Accent UK projects a quick and shameless plug while I'm talking about them, so...

Next up from them will Predators, which features a piece called Just Like You from myself and my friend and long time collaborator Bryan Coyle:

The completed book should be out later this year, and available via Previews and all good comic shops.

In 2011, there'll also be Zombies 2...

...and, possibly, Victoriana:

Zombies 2 is the sequel to Accent UK's best seller Zombies, and I'll have a piece in there called Dead Harvest; my strip in Victoriana is called The Eyes Of The Ripper. Both of those stories have allowed me to tick off two things that every writer attempts in their careers: a story about Jack The Ripper and a zombie story. Thinking about it, I think I may have missed the chance to write a Jack The Ripper zombie story...

Anyway, I think it's safe to say that the strips aren't going to be what you're expecting them to be - and with the incredible Valia Kapadai on-board for both stories, I think they're going to be something truly special.

Remember, too, Robots and Western are still available to buy. Check the links on the right side of the screen to find out where you can get copies from.

Dredd Ahead (2)

Kev Levell's Dredd sketch has been inked and coloured by Matt Soffe:

At the risk of sounding like a broken record, I cannot wait to be working with Kev on our Dredd collaboration.

Joe Pineapples...in Biro...?

Chris Askham continues his prep for our Zarjaz collaboration with this rather lovely piece in Biro:

Some words of wisdom for a Monday morning...

Click the image to read.

"I need a favour..."

The LEGO Printer...

Dredd Ahead

Like any aspiring comic writer, I've got a list of people I'd love to work with - and thanks to Zarjaz, I can finally cross Mr Kevin Levell off my list! I have to put my hands up here and confess to being a bit of a fan of Kev's work, so actually having him bring one of my scripts to life is a pretty big deal for me - even more so because we're doing a Judge Dredd piece! It'll actually be the first solo Dredd strip either of us have done for Zarjaz, too. So no pressure, then...

While I prepared for it by ploughing my way through some volumes of The Judge Dredd Case Files, Kev's been sketching ol' stoney face...

Judge Dredd: The Taking Of Mopad 456 is a shamelessly old school Dredd story, and with Kev on board, the Thrill Power levels are going to be dangerously high!

I sincerely hope that this marks the first of more collaborations between Kev and me. Fingers crossed...

"Meet Joe Pineapples - Mk III"

Chris Askham continues his prep for our upcoming Zarjaz collaboration with a sketch of Joe Pineapples Mk III:

The story, Tin Man, by Chris and myself will be in Zarjaz #11, an ABC Warriors Special, due for publication in early 2011.

Bryan makes his Marvel Comics debut! Kinda...

Bryan lets his true feelings about my scripts be known...