"You're Fired!"

I fucking LOVE The Apprentice.

Alan Sugar's just like a big cuddly teddy bear that goes "You're Fired!" when you squeeze his tummy, but the real stars of that show have to be the people who chose those contestants. By some weirdly wonderful form of magic, they've managed to pick out 14 of the most incredible morons you could ever hope to see on TV. Forget Big Brother, and the complete bunch of "I'm so zany and crazy, me!" wankers they choose year after year, with The Apprentice, you've got a bunch of big business, middle class arseholes who've been living in their corporate bubbles for so long, their heads have disappeared so far up their own backsides they literally talk shit.

You've got Syed, who's so confident in his own ability and sense of self importance, he can't even see past his own nose end, and realise what a complete prick he is. This is the guy who was convinced that the boys team should call themselves The A Team, and even launched into a big speech to emphasise his point. There was Nargis, who told the audience of potential buyers she was doing a presentation for to shut up until she'd finished. Tuan and Sharon are more like human wallpaper: just there, but soon fading into the background, forgotten until you realise paisley isn't cool any more.

There's Michelle, who constantly looks ready to stab anyone in the back; her smiles are so fake, she may as well have drawn them on her face with a crayon. Paul is David Brent, and Jo virtually bursts into tears every time her voice raises half an octave. Everyone seems to hate her but me; she's the only one who actually dares speak up when she realises the others are being idiots, and gets dragged in front of Sir Alan every week for it. And then there's Ansell who looks as if he can stare through time.

They are, in the words of Charlie Brooker, a complete bunch of dongers. They seem to lack the ability to think creatively - which made last night's episode, where they had to tackle a creative assignment, a master class in irony - and do nothing but stab each other in the back at the drop of a hat. The men just butt heads in their typically macho way, unwilling to back down over anything, and it just becomes a contest to see who's got the biggest knob (but to us, the viewers, it's more like a contest to see who is the biggest knob). Not a moment goes past without the women bitching and biting behind each others backs: they're just one bad idea away from an all out pro wrestling match.
In other words, they're all idiots, and together, they provide arguably the most entertaining hour of television the BBC has produced in a long time.

And over them all presides Sir Alan, ever watching, ever vigilant, ever waiting for someone to come up and tickle his belly, and put a big smile on his cuddly face. In fact, if someone hears that immortal catchphrase, the first thing they should do should be to go around the other side of the desk and give his stomach a quick rub.

That's probably the only thing that could make this show better.

1 comment:

  1. lol failr honest assessment

    I do agree their a strange bunch, but who cares, it's great to watch!


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